My Life In Words

Time Off

2011-09-20T11:16:00.006-04:00

Some weeks are full of opposite shifts, daycare, running around, paying bills, barely having enough for groceries, tired, cranky children and tired, cranky parents.

Then there are weeks that are full of love and life. Paul and I have been at my parent's house since Saturday and it's been so relaxing and ultimately uneventful. I love that. My parents get some quality time with their grandson and I get a little bit of a break from having to keep an eye on him every single minute of the day. There's also games of Yahtzee, hot coffee and great conversation. We've been to the Fair, celebrated "Gwampa's" birthday and found some good deals at second-hand shops.

Throwing rocks in the water

Paulie and Mommy

I'm on vacation for two weeks (sixteen days to be exact) and am loving every single moment. I haven't had any vacation since I went back to work over a year ago. It actually all fell into place perfectly. Our daycare provider had her baby today (congrats, Sam!) and is off for two weeks and I just got a new job I start Oct. 3rd. That's right, brand spanking new. I'm moving from women's clothing into children's clothing (dangerous.) It's a better position and better pay. I'm excited for the change but I'm also kind of nervous - who isn't when facing a new job?

Another thing I'm excited about is a new baby! We are expecting again and I'm due March 24th. Only 4.5 more weeks till we find out what it is! Boy? Girl? What's your guess? Until then I am content just knowing that it's growing (boy oh boy is it growing) and healthy.

So, as I spend the morning hanging out with mom at her work I feel thankful and blessed to get this time. I like feeling free to say "whatever...we've got all the time we want." I'm soaking up all this beautiful transitional fall weather and making the most of it. Today is shopping and Pad Thai for lunch (something I save for trips "home") with my mom. Lovely day it is, then :)

6 Months Ago

2011-08-30T21:06:00.002-04:00

Six months ago I was growing a baby in my belly. It had a beating heart and a brain. It had little hands and feet. It was going to grow up to be someone special - someone great. At least in my mind it was.

Six months ago I was looking forward to August 31st. It was a prominent date in my mind. It still is, but in a very different way. I have been dreading it. That date will now always remind me of the baby that didn't get to be; that never got a chance. I will probably always be just a little bit sad on that day.

There is a silver lining, though. There is now a new little one getting the chance to grow and become someone special right inside me. I have seen it. I saw it wiggle and was told it had a heart beat of 171 bpm. I am 10 weeks and 3 days.

I am grateful to be able to face this day knowing that God has special plans for a different child in our lives. One that will be just as great.

TWO!

2011-08-12T07:13:00.008-04:00

My son is two today! When did that happen? I remember my first post about being pregnant - seems like yesterday!

He is such a delight. Words are spilling out of him so fast and it just blows us away. We've been teaching him that it's his birthday and he's two - he loves saying it: "Birtday - TWO!" We feel so lucky and blessed to have him...every single day :)

Just a few days old

First Birthday

Two years old!

Today is also my wedding anniversary! 5 years I have been married to a wonderful, charming, thoughtful, loving man. I am amazed every day that he chooses to love me. I feel so undeserving of his love.

Happy Anniversary, my dear husband - with all that I am and will be :)

2006

2011

Our Song

2011-07-27T22:52:00.002-04:00

Our 5 year anniversary is approaching.

This is our song :)

There's a melody in my head
And I ain't stopped hummin' it since I saw your face
There's a feeling I can't forget
It started with you kissing me that way
And there's no end in sight
Like an Oklahoma wheat field blowin'
You've got my heart in motion, and I'm gone
I'm the pinks and you're the reds
Just like this sunset, we belong
And there's no end in sight

How high is the sky
How long is time
With you it's how I'm spending mine
Like there is no end in sight
I wanna laugh
I wanna live
I'm gonna love you like there is, like there is no end in sight

So kick your shoes off, stay awhile
Ain't nothing here but stars for miles and me
We're standing on the edge of something
Not afraid of jumpin' in deep
And there's no end in sight

Melancholy

2011-07-03T21:27:00.002-04:00

I'm having a melancholy day. It's hard to explain and deeply personal but on a general level do you ever have those days? You get wrapped up in your mind and it's a battlefield that you feel you can't get out of? That's my day today. I always like to listen to this song when I feel that way:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbjE7NFmUI

Patty Griffin

RAIN

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

Guesting

2011-06-24T19:19:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone!

I know it's been a while since I finished my 30 day challenge but I've been busy! Today I am guest posting over at my friend Amy's blog. Feel free to check it out!

http://amyfortherest.blogspot.com

Make sure you also check out all of her other posts, too!

DAY THIRTY - YOUR FAVORITE SONG AT THIS TIME LAST YEAR

2011-05-20T23:28:00.003-04:00

We started attending a new church last April and we sang this song one Sunday. I fell in love with it and even more so when I found out it was penned and sung by one of my favorite singers! I still love it but it was definitely my fave this time last year.

DAY TWENTY NINE - A SONG FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD

2011-05-19T21:48:00.002-04:00

This song takes me WAY back!

DAY TWENTY EIGHT - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY

2011-05-18T10:43:00.001-04:00

I have never gone on a missions trip before but I think it would be amazing!

DAY TWENTY SEVEN - A SONG YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY

2011-05-17T13:13:00.001-04:00

DAY TWENTY SIX - A SONG THAT YOU CAN PLAY ON AN INSTRUMENT

2011-05-17T13:11:00.003-04:00

This is the only song that I can barely play (and it's only partially) on piano.

DAY TWENTY FIVE - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

2011-05-17T13:03:00.001-04:00

I know there's a little bit of language but this is SOOOOO funny!

DAY TWENTY FOUR - A SONG THAT YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL

2011-05-14T21:05:00.001-04:00

I know it has a melancholy feel but the lyrics and message are just so beautiful.

DAY TWENTY THREE - A SONG THAT YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR WEDDING

2011-05-14T21:02:00.002-04:00

I married the most wonderful man in the world almost 5 years ago and this was the song my best friend sang.

DAY TWENTY TWO - A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE SAD

2011-05-12T07:28:00.000-04:00

It doesn't ever pertain to any situation I'm going through but I love the melancholy melody of this song. It's perfectly mellow and beautiful. You can just hear it all in her voice.

DAY TWENTY ONE - A SONG YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY

2011-05-11T09:07:00.001-04:00

This is so much fun to listen to!!

DAY TWENTY - A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY

2011-05-10T19:11:00.002-04:00

I don't generally listen to songs when I'm angry...but I guess if I did it would be this one. I dare this not to get you out of a bad mood!

DAY NINETEEN - A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE ALBUM

2011-05-09T09:20:00.002-04:00

I have bought and listened to so many albums but the one that I love the most is Amy Grant's "Lead Me On." The lyrics, the music, everything about it is just fantastic. I get sucked into the album and wish that I had written all the songs myself! This song is the opening track - it reminds me of camp experiences I've had.

DAY EIGHTEEN - A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU HEARD ON THE RADIO

2011-05-09T09:19:00.002-04:00

I could listen to this 10 times a day and not be sick of it!

DAY SEVENTEEN - A SONG THAT YOU HEAR OFTEN ON THE RADIO

2011-05-07T12:14:00.001-04:00

A classic in my mind - I don't mind hearing it!

DAY SIXTEEN - A SONG YOU USED TO LOVE BUT NOW HATE

2011-05-06T08:44:00.006-04:00

Hate is a strong word. Especially for a worship song. From going to camp and singing this for many years I have grown so tired of it. A lot of these songs are so repetitive and I can't stand that.

Lord, I Lift Your Name on High

DAY FIFTEEN - A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU

2011-05-05T07:35:00.002-04:00

I'm sure this song would describe a lot of people. It's our human flaw to rush and rush because we're so impatient. I need to slow down and focus my eyes on what God has blessed me with every single day.

DAY FOURTEEN - A SONG THAT NO ONE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO LOVE

2011-05-04T20:56:00.002-04:00

I have always loved this song. I don't know why, but I have!

DAY THIRTEEN - A SONG THAT IS A GUILTY PLEASURE

2011-05-03T09:50:00.000-04:00

I am not ashamed.

DAY TWELVE - A SONG FROM A BAND YOU HATE

2011-05-02T09:06:00.000-04:00

UGH! I can't stand them.

DAY ELEVEN - A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE BAND

2011-05-01T14:22:00.001-04:00

Great song. GREAT. SONG.

DAY TEN - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FALL ASLEEP

2011-04-30T21:02:00.001-04:00

I love it but I can easily fall asleep to it!

DAY NINE - A SONG THAT YOU CAN DANCE TO

2011-04-30T20:57:00.001-04:00

OH YA!!

DAY EIGHT - A SONG THAT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

2011-04-30T20:52:00.002-04:00

How can you NOT know all the words to this? lol!

DAY SEVEN - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A CERTAIN EVENT

2011-04-30T20:38:00.004-04:00

When I was in grade 10 or 11 I joined a community choir with my dad. I was only with them for one season. We performed John Rutter's Requiem. It was beautiful and such a joy to be a part of. We rocked it, too! This is one of my favorites from me and it takes me right back to that performance every time.

DAY SIX - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEWHERE

2011-04-26T22:20:00.002-04:00

This song reminds me of my old apartment I shared with my best friend 8 years ago. I got this album while I was living there and I played it a lot - it held a lot of meaning at the time. Whenever I hear this song (or any song from that album) it just transports me back there. That was a great year!

DAY FIVE - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEONE

2011-04-25T15:29:00.003-04:00

When I was 17, after I graduated high school, I moved down to Illinois to live with my cousin and her husband. I worked at the Christian book store, helped out with the youth group and was on the worship team some Sundays at church. Whenever my cousin lead worship I was on the team. She introduced us to this song and we sang it one Sunday. Now whenever I hear it I think of her and that wonderful, life-changing time in my life!

DAY FOUR - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU SAD

2011-04-24T20:13:00.002-04:00

Just breaks my heart. Every time.

DAY THREE - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY

2011-04-24T20:09:00.003-04:00

This was our recessional at our wedding. How could this NOT make me happy? :)

DAY TWO - YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SONG

2011-04-22T10:34:00.002-04:00

I hear this song every day at work. At least twice. I've heard it that often since I was working at my other job - 2 1/2 years ago! I can't STAND it!

Day One - Your Favorite Song

2011-04-21T21:10:00.002-04:00

Okay...this is really hard. I checked my iTunes Most Played but since I had to delete it and re-download it recently it's not accurate. So, I'm going to go with Brooke Fraser's CS Lewis Song. The lyrics are fantastic and the song itself is just beautiful. Listen to the words - I think you'll love it too! I wouldn't say it's my most favorite of favorites but it sure is up there!

Transformation and Renewal

2011-03-01T15:18:00.007-05:00

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:1-2

It's been a long week. That's really an understatement, but what else can I call it? It wasn't the best week ever but it wasn't the week from hell. I didn't lose myself in the sadness of it all nor did I become consumed with anger. I've had my moments, sure (who wouldn't), but I feel like I've accepted that life still carries on whether I want it to or not.

Transformation. Renewal. Those are powerful words. I think that people go through those processes every day and don't even realize it. I realized it this week. My life went through a big change. I woke up on the 22nd with the knowledge that come August I will be on Mat Leave and come Christmas time we will have a sweet little 3.5 month old. We were going to be a family of four and Paul would be a big brother. By that evening all of that had been washed away. Suddenly I had to completely change the way I view my entire life. It's as if everything was put on hold.

I have had to transform my mind. Everyday. I have to wake up and try not to think about it all. I tell myself that this miscarriage doesn't define me. It's interesting, though...maybe it's a maturity thing. Life carries on around us day in, day out. When something happens that alters our day to day life we have to transform our minds to carry on with our "normal" life. Any little bump in the road and we train ourselves to continue moving forward. We do it every day without evening thinking about it.

The renewing can sometimes take longer. It takes tears and anger and questions. The renewing takes place in those moments of realization that your life is no longer the same. You stop and think "things are different. They have changed. What can I do to overcome this?" It's a journey of self-discovery, really. Everyone goes through it at a different pace and in different ways. For me, getting my hair cut today was a part of my renewal process. I needed an outward change to represent the change that has happened inside of me.

Am I the same person? Yes and no. I am still me, but, a slightly different version of me. I am a little bit wiser, a little bit hurt, but still just as loved. I don't have all the answers but I don't need them. My life is still as beautiful as it was the morning of the 22nd. I am still surrounded by all those that love me; my husband, my son, my parents, brothers, family and friends. Each one of them has experienced their own process of transformation and renewal. Day in, day out. For if we didn't experience it, how could we really grow and test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will?

Inklings

2011-02-27T23:44:00.004-05:00

My mom had a miscarriage between her first two children. She was around 11 weeks. She told me that she's always thought of that baby as a boy and his name is John. She also admitted that she would never have named a child that, so it's kind of strange.

I think our baby was a girl. For some reason I think of her as Marianna. That name was never on my list for a girl and now it never will be - it's been given away. :)

Whether it was a girl or a boy shouldn't make a difference but somehow it does. It actually makes me feel more connected to her; like she really was a part of our lives.

And she was. A big part.

I Will Carry You

2011-02-25T10:30:00.002-05:00

I came across this song on a blog my mom sent me to: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. She and her husband lost a daughter (who was born and lived for a couple of hours.) This song represented how she was feeling and even though I never carried my baby physically in my arms, it was in my womb and my heart. I started shedding tears after the first line. In this moment, I feel like it also represents how I feel.

I Will Carry You

by Angie Smith

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Anxiety

2011-02-25T02:17:00.004-05:00

I have to go back to work today. It's a short 3 hour shift but I am feeling some very unwelcome anxiety over it. My heart has been racing for a few hours and I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not ready to face the world. The only people I have seen since "it" happened are my parents and my father-in-law (apart from Dan and Paul, of course.) I know that my co-workers will meet me with hugs and words of sympathy and encouragement, but for some reason that doesn't sound appealing. I know it should, and ultimately it will, but right now in my mind it is the last thing I want. I am in my own cocoon right now. It's so easy to hide away and just let this be my own thing. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

I need to go back, though. Life needs to go on. Whether I stay holed up in my house or go greet customers and help them buy clothes, life will go on. It's painful to think of. A part of me feels like moving forward is acting like my baby didn't exist; like it never had a heart beat or kicked it's little legs inside me. Deep down I know this isn't true. I know that I will never, ever forget how excited we were for this baby and how we celebrated it with every fiber of our beings. It was loved and no amount of moving forward can take that away.

I have no clue what happened. At some point during some day my baby's heart stopped beating. Something went wrong. Looking back I've realized that the last week and a half my belly didn't grow. So, it could've happened long before I knew it. In some odd way I find comfort in the not knowing. The fact that there is nothing I could have done to stop it and every single part of it all was out of my control gives me a sense of peace. It wasn't in my plans but it was in God's.

I am a true believer in that. It's not just "there's a reason for everything" or "God has a plan" saying, it's a deeply embedded truth that I believe in. I trust that God created my body to know what to do when something isn't right. He knew what he was doing when he made me. Now, I do wish he would slow my heart down and tell my body to go to sleep. ;)

I think I'll try again. Paul woke up an hour and a half ago and he still hasn't gone back to sleep. Maybe I'll try cuddling with him. That usually cheers me up.

I am also going to leave you with lyrics to a song that's comforting right now.

I Will Rest In You

by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

A Little Bit of Anger

2011-02-24T08:33:00.006-05:00

I can't help it. I feel a little angry. I think the day it happened I was in shock. Throughout yesterday all the questions and emotions started to slowly take over me.

The ever bitter "why." Why me? Why now? Why at 3 months? Why not 6 weeks? Why do I have to go through this?

There aren't just questions, but general life things. I just bought a brand new pair of maternity pants for work on Saturday...and I have a pair on hold. They're hanging there in a closet waiting to hug my belly as it grows. Last week on the calender I wrote in little numbers in the corner of every Wednesday through August what week I would be in. I also filled out on August 31st "LBW #2 DUE!!" Now I need a new calender. On Friday I filled out my Maternity Leave form for work. I took the time to figure out the dates and when I wanted to start. I can still picture the last words on the cover letter: "HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY PREGNANCY!" Well, I now have neither. Everyone knows, too. Everyone! What do I say? What do I do? How do I tell people "oh, that baby? Ya, that's not happening anymore."

Maybe I'm sounding harsh. I am SO grateful for the beautiful, healthy boy that is walking around and making me laugh during this hard time. I am thankful and appreciate every moment that I have with him. I'm just a little angry...and I'm going to allow myself to be. Just for a bit.

God's Plan vs Our Plan

2011-02-23T00:11:00.003-05:00

Well, God had a different plan in mind for us today.

We lost the baby. 12 weeks and 6 days. Almost 13.

Right now I am very exhausted, physically and emotionally so I don't have many tears yet. I had quite a few on the way home from the ER. I'm taking tomorrow (and possibly more days) off from work to recover from it all.

I'd like to write more tonight but I just don't think I have the words in me...

Nostalgia and Hormones

2011-02-21T22:31:00.001-05:00

Do you ever wonder where you went? You ask yourself "where did the me go that used to drop money on a painting because it made me feel good?" or "where did the me go who was daring to try a new recipe with ingredients I hadn't even heard of?" or "where did the me go that just sat and listened to a new, whole cd that I was dying to hear?"

Sometimes I ask these things of myself. At times I feel like I am not the same person I was. I think of how different I was 10 years ago. 5. 3. Even 1. I liked different things: music, clothes, food. What happened to me?

I am still here. I am Morgan. I am the same person I have always been. My personality is the same, it is my likes and dislikes that have changed. I still adore music. I still enjoy trying new foods and recipes. I always have and always will like the basics when it comes to clothes.

My life is full of different things now. My focus has shifted. I have a husband, a toddler, a job, a house, another child on the way...what is important in my life has changed. I don't have the freedom to cruise the grocery aisles and think about what only I want. I can't spend money on a few drinks at the bar with friends when I feel like it. I can't just save up for 6 months and fly out to Seattle to visit family whenever I like.

For the most part, I don't miss that. Of course there are tiny moments when I would love to do any one of those things but I like my life now. I like the (semi) structure of it all. I have people who depend on me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. I am not defined by any one of those individually but they all combine to represent me as a whole.

I have nostalgic moments, like anyone else (and I'm sure listening to an old mix cd from college doesn't help,) but the moments are just that; nostalgia. I enjoy looking back and being sentimental and reminiscing on wonderful, beautiful times in my life because those memories have led to the shaping of who I am now. They are bits and pieces that I picked up along the way and fit into my heart and soul.

I feel like I may be starting to ramble a bit. I also feel like I haven't completely conveyed what Ireally want to say. I guess it's probably just my pregnancy hormones (almost 13 weeks!!) that are causing me to think about this, but I feel it's important to touch on sometimes. I hope someone out there understands what I'm trying to say!

Yup...I done it again!

2011-01-25T21:46:00.004-05:00

I am 9 weeks.

I'm due August 31st.

We are PSYCHED!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T21:15:00.002-05:00

We ordered Chinese food and watched "Grown Ups." We are exciting people...

I am definitely looking forward to this year! It is going to be challenging but rewarding. It will have it's ups and downs and ins and outs yet, it will be beautiful. When I wake up tomorrow it will be here. The new year. A fresh start.

Oh, how I feel I need it sometimes!

Hustle and Bustle

2010-12-23T21:19:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here getting ready to wrap Christmas gifts and I think "ugh, why didn't I start this earlier?" That thought led me to "it's interesting how everyone wants to get everything done early so they can relax and enjoy the holiday." My question is what does that really mean?

To me, the shopping and baking and cooking and wrapping and decorating IS enjoying the holidays! It's the hustle and bustle of it all that makes it so exciting. As we get older we tend to get cynical and "damn commercialism" about Christmas. Is it all a part of losing our innocence and naivety (thanks Uncle Lloyd for such a great word) with age? Am I saying that I have not fallen victim to this harsh cynicism myself? By no means! Christmas definitely loses some of that magic to it as we get older but so do a lot of things in life! If we happen to lose a tooth when we're 30 we're not going to be excited to find a quarter under our pillow - we'll complain about the dentist bill! When the power goes out for hours on end it's not eerie and mystical - it's annoying! We worry about spoiled food, not having any electricity to cook food, no heat, etc. We learn a sense of responsibility with age. The same goes for Christmas. It becomes more of a responsibility than an event to take part in. When we get married, have our own children, and our own homes, it falls on our shoulders to create the magic of Christmas.

So in the hustle and bustle of cooking and baking and cleaning and shopping and wrapping and hosting we should stop and think how all that we're doing is shaping Christmas in the eyes of the next generation. My chocolate peanut butter balls bring joy to my brothers, so I make them (as tedious as they are.) I wrap every single gift, even after a long hard day at work and proceeding to take care of my son. I do it because it fosters an atmosphere of contentment and warmth. It brings Christmas to my home.

And I enjoy it!

A Child's Christmas in Wales

2010-11-27T10:29:00.004-05:00

This poem/story has always been one that my dad loves. I remember it as something he wanted to watch when I was younger but it always seemed somewhat "boring" to me. Now that I am older I have fallen in love with it! I bought the movie myself last year and am enjoying it now as I write this. It will always be one that makes me think of my dad. One that we share together. It is long but well worth the read!

A CHILD'S CHRISTMAS IN WALES

One Christmas was so much like another, in those years around the sea-town corner now and out of all sound except the distant speaking of the voices I sometimes hear a moment before sleep, that I can never remember whether it snowed for six days and six nights when I was twelve or whether it snowed for twelve days and twelve nights when I was six.

All the Christmases roll down toward the two-tongued sea, like a cold and headlong moon bundling down the sky that was our street; and they stop at the rim of the ice-edged fish-freezing waves, and I plunge my hands in the snow and bring out whatever I can find. In goes my hand into that wool-white bell-tongued ball of holidays resting at the rim of the carol-singing sea, and out come Mrs. Prothero and the firemen.

It was on the afternoon of the Christmas Eve, and I was in Mrs. Prothero's garden, waiting for cats, with her son Jim. It was snowing. It was always snowing at Christmas. December, in my memory, is white as Lapland, though there were no reindeers. But there were cats. Patient, cold and callous, our hands wrapped in socks, we waited to snowball the cats. Sleek and long as jaguars and horrible-whiskered, spitting and snarling, they would slink and sidle over the white back-garden walls, and the lynx-eyed hunters, Jim and I, fur-capped and moccasined trappers from Hudson Bay, off Mumbles Road, would hurl our deadly snowballs at the green of their eyes. The wise cats never appeared.

We were so still, Eskimo-footed arctic marksmen in the muffling silence of the eternal snows - eternal, ever since Wednesday - that we never heard Mrs. Prothero's first cry from her igloo at the bottom of the garden. Or, if we heard it at all, it was, to us, like the far-off challenge of our enemy and prey, the neighbor's polar cat. But soon the voice grew louder.

"Fire!" cried Mrs. Prothero, and she beat the dinner-gong.

And we ran down the garden, with the snowballs in our arms, toward the house; and smoke, indeed, was pouring out of the dining-room, and the gong was bombilating, and Mrs. Prothero was announcing ruin like a town crier in Pompeii. This was better than all the cats in Wales standing on the wall in a row. We bounded into the house, laden with snowballs, and stopped at the open door of the smoke-filled room.

Something was burning all right; perhaps it was Mr. Prothero, who always slept there after midday dinner with a newspaper over his face. But he was standing in the middle of the room, saying, "A fine Christmas!" and smacking at the smoke with a slipper.

"Call the fire brigade," cried Mrs. Prothero as she beat the gong. "There won't be there," said Mr. Prothero, "it's Christmas."

There was no fire to be seen, only clouds of smoke and Mr. Prothero standing in the middle of them, waving his slipper as though he were conducting.

"Do something," he said. And we threw all our snowballs into the smoke - I think we missed Mr. Prothero - and ran out of the house to the telephone box.

"Let's call the police as well," Jim said. "And the ambulance." "And Ernie Jenkins, he likes fires."

But we only called the fire brigade, and soon the fire engine came and three tall men in helmets brought a hose into the house and Mr. Prothero got out just in time before they turned it on. Nobody could have had a noisier Christmas Eve. And when the firemen turned off the hose and were standing in the wet, smoky room, Jim's Aunt, Miss. Prothero, came downstairs and peered in at them. Jim and I waited, very quietly, to hear what she would say to them. She said the right thing, always. She looked at the three tall firemen in their shining helmets, standing among the smoke and cinders and dissolving snowballs, and she said, "Would you like anything to read?"

Years and years ago, when I was a boy, when there were wolves in Wales, and birds the color of red-flannel petticoats whisked past the harp-shaped hills, when we sang and wallowed all night and day in caves that smelt like Sunday afternoons in damp front farmhouse parlors, and we chased, with the jawbones of deacons, the English and the bears, before the motor car, before the wheel, before the duchess-faced horse, when we rode the daft and happy hills bareback, it snowed and it snowed. But here a small boy says: "It snowed last year, too. I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea."

"But that was not the same snow," I say. "Our snow was not only shaken from white wash buckets down the sky, it came shawling out of the ground and swam and drifted out of the arms and hands and bodies of the trees; snow grew overnight on the roofs of the houses like a pure and grandfather moss, minutely -ivied the walls and settled on the postman, opening the gate, like a dumb, numb thunder-storm of white, torn Christmas cards."

"Were there postmen then, too?"

"With sprinkling eyes and wind-cherried noses, on spread, frozen feet they crunched up to the doors and mittened on them manfully. But all that the children could hear was a ringing of bells."

"You mean that the postman went rat-a-tat-tat and the doors rang?"

"I mean that the bells the children could hear were inside them."

"I only hear thunder sometimes, never bells."

"There were church bells, too."

"Inside them?"

"No, no, no, in the bat-black, snow-white belfries, tugged by bishops and storks. And they rang their tidings over the bandaged town, over the frozen foam of the powder and ice-cream hills, over the crackling sea. It seemed that all the churches boomed for joy under my window; and the weathercocks crew for Christmas, on our fence."

"Get back to the postmen."

"They were just ordinary postmen, found of walking and dogs and Christmas and the snow. They knocked on the doors with blue knuckles ...."

"Ours has got a black knocker...."

"And then they stood on the white Welcome mat in the little, drifted porches and huffed and puffed, making ghosts with their breath, and jogged from foot to foot like small boys wanting to go out."

"And then the presents?"

"And then the Presents, after the Christmas box. And the cold postman, with a rose on his button-nose, tingled down the tea-tray-slithered run of the chilly glinting hill. He went in his ice-bound boots like a man on fishmonger's slabs. "He wagged his bag like a frozen camel's hump, dizzily turned the corner on one foot, and, by God, he was gone."

"Get back to the Presents."

"There were the Useful Presents: engulfing mufflers of the old coach days, and mittens made for giant sloths; zebra scarfs of a substance like silky gum that could be tug-o'-warred down to the galoshes; blinding tam-o'-shanters like patchwork tea cozies and bunny-suited busbies and balaclavas for victims of head-shrinking tribes; from aunts who always wore wool next to the skin there were mustached and rasping vests that made you wonder why the aunts had any skin left at all; and once I had a little crocheted nose bag from an aunt now, alas, no longer whinnying with us. And pictureless books in which small boys, though warned with quotations not to, would skate on Farmer Giles' pond and did and drowned; and books that told me everything about the wasp, except why."

"Go on the Useless Presents."

"Bags of moist and many-colored jelly babies and a folded flag and a false nose and a tram-conductor's cap and a machine that punched tickets and rang a bell; never a catapult; once, by mistake that no one could explain, a little hatchet; and a celluloid duck that made, when you pressed it, a most unducklike sound, a mewing moo that an ambitious cat might make who wished to be a cow; and a painting book in which I could make the grass, the trees, the sea and the animals any colour I pleased, and still the dazzling sky-blue sheep are grazing in the red field under the rainbow-billed and pea-green birds. Hardboileds, toffee, fudge and allsorts, crunches, cracknels, humbugs, glaciers, marzipan, and butterwelsh for the Welsh. And troops of bright tin soldiers who, if they could not fight, could always run. And Snakes-and-Families and Happy Ladders. And Easy Hobbi-Games for Little Engineers, complete with instructions. Oh, easy for Leonardo! And a whistle to make the dogs bark to wake up the old man next door to make him beat on the wall with his stick to shake our picture off the wall. And a packet of cigarettes: you put one in your mouth and you stood at the corner of the street and you waited for hours, in vain, for an old lady to scold you for smoking a cigarette, and then with a smirk you ate it. And then it was breakfast under the balloons."

"Were there Uncles like in our house?"

"There are always Uncles at Christmas. The same Uncles. And on Christmas morning, with dog-disturbing whistle and sugar fags, I would scour the swatched town for the news of the little world, and find always a dead bird by the Post Office or by the white deserted swings; perhaps a robin, all but one of his fires out. Men and women wading or scooping back from chapel, with taproom noses and wind-bussed cheeks, all albinos, huddles their stiff black jarring feathers against the irreligious snow. Mistletoe hung from the gas brackets in all the front parlors; there was sherry and walnuts and bottled beer and crackers by the dessertspoons; and cats in their fur-abouts watched the fires; and the high-heaped fire spat, all ready for the chestnuts and the mulling pokers. Some few large men sat in the front parlors, without their collars, Uncles almost certainly, trying their new cigars, holding them out judiciously at arms' length, returning them to their mouths, coughing, then holding them out again as though waiting for the explosion; and some few small aunts, not wanted in the kitchen, nor anywhere else for that matter, sat on the very edge of their chairs, poised and brittle, afraid to break, like faded cups and saucers."

Not many those mornings trod the piling streets: an old man always, fawn-bowlered, yellow-gloved and, at this time of year, with spats of snow, would take his constitutional to the white bowling green and back, as he would take it wet or fire on Christmas Day or Doomsday; sometimes two hale young men, with big pipes blazing, no overcoats and wind blown scarfs, would trudge, unspeaking, down to the forlorn sea, to work up an appetite, to blow away the fumes, who knows, to walk into the waves until nothing of them was left but the two furling smoke clouds of their inextinguishable briars. Then I would be slap-dashing home, the gravy smell of the dinners of others, the bird smell, the brandy, the pudding and mince, coiling up to my nostrils, when out of a snow-clogged side lane would come a boy the spit of myself, with a pink-tipped cigarette and the violet past of a black eye, cocky as a bullfinch, leering all to himself.

I hated him on sight and sound, and would be about to put my dog whistle to my lips and blow him off the face of Christmas when suddenly he, with a violet wink, put his whistle to his lips and blew so stridently, so high, so exquisitely loud, that gobbling faces, their cheeks bulged with goose, would press against their tinsled windows, the whole length of the white echoing street. For dinner we had turkey and blazing pudding, and after dinner the Uncles sat in front of the fire, loosened all buttons, put their large moist hands over their watch chains, groaned a little and slept. Mothers, aunts and sisters scuttled to and fro, bearing tureens. Auntie Bessie, who had already been frightened, twice, by a clock-work mouse, whimpered at the sideboard and had some elderberry wine. The dog was sick. Auntie Dosie had to have three aspirins, but Auntie Hannah, who liked port, stood in the middle of the snowbound back yard, singing like a big-bosomed thrush. I would blow up balloons to see how big they would blow up to; and, when they burst, which they all did, the Uncles jumped and rumbled. In the rich and heavy afternoon, the Uncles breathing like dolphins and the snow descending, I would sit among festoons and Chinese lanterns and nibble dates and try to make a model man-o'-war, following the Instructions for Little Engineers, and produce what might be mistaken for a sea-going tramcar.

Or I would go out, my bright new boots squeaking, into the white world, on to the seaward hill, to call on Jim and Dan and Jack and to pad through the still streets, leaving huge footprints on the hidden pavements.

"I bet people will think there's been hippos."

"What would you do if you saw a hippo coming down our street?"

"I'd go like this, bang! I'd throw him over the railings and roll him down the hill and then I'd tickle him under the ear and he'd wag his tail."

"What would you do if you saw two hippos?"

Iron-flanked and bellowing he-hippos clanked and battered through the scudding snow toward us as we passed Mr. Daniel's house.

"Let's post Mr. Daniel a snow-ball through his letter box."

"Let's write things in the snow."

"Let's write, 'Mr. Daniel looks like a spaniel' all over his lawn."

Or we walked on the white shore. "Can the fishes see it's snowing?"

The silent one-clouded heavens drifted on to the sea. Now we were snow-blind travelers lost on the north hills, and vast dewlapped dogs, with flasks round their necks, ambled and shambled up to us, baying "Excelsior." We returned home through the poor streets where only a few children fumbled with bare red fingers in the wheel-rutted snow and cat-called after us, their voices fading away, as we trudged uphill, into the cries of the dock birds and the hooting of ships out in the whirling bay. And then, at tea the recovered Uncles would be jolly; and the ice cake loomed in the center of the table like a marble grave. Auntie Hannah laced her tea with rum, because it was only once a year.

Bring out the tall tales now that we told by the fire as the gaslight bubbled like a diver. Ghosts whooed like owls in the long nights when I dared not look over my shoulder; animals lurked in the cubbyhole under the stairs and the gas meter ticked. And I remember that we went singing carols once, when there wasn't the shaving of a moon to light the flying streets. At the end of a long road was a drive that led to a large house, and we stumbled up the darkness of the drive that night, each one of us afraid, each one holding a stone in his hand in case, and all of us too brave to say a word. The wind through the trees made noises as of old and unpleasant and maybe webfooted men wheezing in caves. We reached the black bulk of the house.

"What shall we give them? Hark the Herald?"

"No," Jack said, "Good King Wencelas. I'll count three."

One, two three, and we began to sing, our voices high and seemingly distant in the snow-felted darkness round the house that was occupied by nobody we knew. We stood close together, near the dark door. Good King Wencelas looked out On the Feast of Stephen ... And then a small, dry voice, like the voice of someone who has not spoken for a long time, joined our singing: a small, dry, eggshell voice from the other side of the door: a small dry voice through the keyhole. And when we stopped running we were outside our house; the front room was lovely; balloons floated under the hot-water-bottle-gulping gas; everything was good again and shone over the town.

"Perhaps it was a ghost," Jim said.

"Perhaps it was trolls," Dan said, who was always reading.

"Let's go in and see if there's any jelly left," Jack said. And we did that.

Always on Christmas night there was music. An uncle played the fiddle, a cousin sang "Cherry Ripe," and another uncle sang "Drake's Drum." It was very warm in the little house. Auntie Hannah, who had got on to the parsnip wine, sang a song about Bleeding Hearts and Death, and then another in which she said her heart was like a Bird's Nest; and then everybody laughed again; and then I went to bed. Looking through my bedroom window, out into the moonlight and the unending smoke-colored snow, I could see the lights in the windows of all the other houses on our hill and hear the music rising from them up the long, steady falling night. I turned the gas down, I got into bed. I said some words to the close and holy darkness, and then I slept.

Mourning the Lost

2010-10-23T22:37:00.006-04:00

Do you have any of those friendships where you look back and try to pinpoint the exact moment when it started fading away? You wonder "what happened?" I have a few like that. I am also becoming more aware of the fact that as I get older it will not stop or even slow down.

That awareness has made me sad yet somewhat grateful simultaneously.

Sad because friendships are such an integral part of our lives; they shape who we are and who we are yet to become. To lose one of those relationships tears into our souls and urges us to re-examine what we want out of our lives.

Grateful because that re-examination process produces a wiser, more intuitive version of myself. I become keenly aware of what I am looking for in a friendship and what I am willing to offer. I am also grateful because I got to spend however many allotted moments with that person and in some small or big way those moments changed my life. I prefer to think that the changes are good.

I look forward to the coming and going of these life-altering relationships. I will forever mourn the loss of certain friendships over the years but I will not let it interfere with the creation of new ones. I will allow them to influence the new.

For what have I learned from the former if it does not affect the latter?

My Baby Boy is ONE!

2010-08-12T10:20:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday to my sweet, crazy, lovable little rascal of a boy! I love you very much and you make my life brighter every day!

Changes

2010-07-18T22:42:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I start my new job. I'm excited but I'm also nervous and kinda sad. My whole life for the past year has been looking after Paul at home and it's going to be weird not doing that anymore. I know I'll still have days off but it's not the same. I've been a little emotional over it here and there the last few days. It comes out when I least expect it though - 2 in the morning while I'm crawling into bed, while taking a walk with Dan and Paul, tonight on the phone with my mom. I just get choked up. I know it's worth it and we need it, though. We'll settle into a whole new routine as a family. I'm also really excited for Dan - he's looking forward to taking on the role of "Stay at Home Dad." I think he'll do a fantastic job!

I should get to bed. 8-5 tomorrow...

Update

2010-07-13T09:23:00.009-04:00

I have a new job!!

I start on Monday as the new full time team leader at a clothing store! I'm SO excited! I had been hoping for the assistant manager position but I think I'll get there one day! My manager said that they're hiring me on in this position with hopes that I will be promoted in the future, whether it's at this store or on of the other banner stores of the company.

This really is a blessing. The moment I let things go and started trusting God, I started feeling at peace about it all and He just placed this opportunity in my lap. I am so grateful!

Starting to Make Some Sense

2010-07-09T23:12:00.004-04:00

This past week has been a mix of good and bad. I'll start with the bad.

We have been in a heat wave. Oh ya. Fun. With a capital F. *I don't think sarcasm comes through very well in writing* It has been disgustingly hot! Up to 40 degrees with a humidex of 80-95%! Blah! All I can say is thank goodness for central air! ;-)

The good is I've had a job interview! Two, actually. I emailed my resume to three different places last Wednesday and by Friday I got a call for an interview on Sunday. That went really well and they asked me back for a second one that I had yesterday. I'm REALLY hoping I get it! It's full time, salaried and is the same type of work I was doing before my mat leave. It is a MUCH better company to work for, though. Not all the B.S. I dealt with at my former job. Plus, it's enough pay that Dan would be able to stay home with Paul! He is really excited about that.

So, I've been praying and trusting and praying and trusting...and a little more of both. I'll let you know if I get it - I should know by Tuesday!

Long Time No Talk

2010-06-28T22:19:00.008-04:00

I have gotten so bad at updating my blog. I always check all my favorite blogs that others write and when I'm done I look at mine and think "oh, I need to post...but I'm so tired! I'll do it tomorrow." This goes on and on every night until a month or more has passed.

I apologize.

Things have been a little bit stressful in the Wilson household as of late. My maternity leave has ended, no one has signed up for my home daycare, Dan is still looking for a job (no one is calling back...ugh!) so we have no income right now. We do have our child tax credit and baby bonus for Paul but that's it. It's been really frustrating. Today I went in and talked to my old manager about getting my position back (it's still not filled) and she said she would keep me in mind. I'll be handing out more resumes and we're just hoping that one of us will get a job SOON! As in, YESTERDAY!

Other than that, life has been good. We've been attending an awesome church for the last couple months and it has been so refreshing! It is exactly what we need at this time in our lives. We've already made some wonderful friends and have joined a small group.

It's been great to be a part of a family of faith again because I really need God right now. Life really hasn't been going as "planned." Well, as we have planned. On Sunday we had a speaker give his testimony and share how God really took him away from the plans that he had made and showed him that God wanted him to live a life for him; to trust Him. Well, that's what I need to do. Nothing I am doing is working. The plans I have made for my own life have fallen through the cracks. Yet I still choose to believe that I can still make it work; that I can do it better. I can't. I must let go and trust that God will put the pieces together and make my life something beautiful. Something better than I can even imagine!

I find myself being a little more emotional lately. Not just over big things but little things. Today one of my favorite sweaters accidentally went through the dryer and I cried 'cause it shrank about a half inch...yes, I cried about that. A couple days ago I cried because one of my favorite shirts of Paul's got two little stains on it. They are barely noticeable but, nonetheless, I cried. I think it's a build up of stress and anxiety. It's me trying to hold everything together and make it all work, even though it's impossible. It makes me think about those who don't believe in God and don't know/feel that there is Someone who can help them. I've been a Christian since I was about 3 years old and I know that God can carry my burden and will hold my life together for me but I still try and do it on my own. How is it for non-believers? Do they carry this burden around all the time? How does it feel to not know that there is a God who wants to take it from you and ease your load? I'm not trying to sound egotistical and like I have it all figured out, I'm just pondering.

So, that is me right now. I'm working on letting go. I feel this will be a constant battle that will take my whole life to conquer. Any relationship is give and take. If God is willing to take my burden than I should be willing to give it. Why am I so unwilling?

On a completely different subject, Paul is doing very well! He now has 5 teeth and is a little speed racer! He cruises around the furniture, he crawls in the bath, he sleeps unswaddled (he took to that like nobody's business) and is even holding his own bottle! Where has my little baby gone? He is rapidly turning into a little boy! Only 45 more days till he turns 1. Unbelievable. I'm excited for it, though. There is so much life ahead for my little man and I can't wait to watch him grow into who God intends him to be. I see his personality come alive more and more every day and I am just amazed at how wonderful he is. He will one day make friends. My baby boy will learn how to make friends on his own! I know that seems so simple and "duh" but it astonishes me that he will learn this. I'm looking forward to this journey with my son. Every single moment.

Growing Up

2010-05-27T23:04:00.006-04:00

My little 9 1/2 month old...almost 10 months! Where has the time gone? Just today my mom and I were saying that 10 months almost seems like a milestone. I joked that 10 months for a baby is like becoming a teenager when they're older! He'll no longer be in the single digits! He's standing up to everything and crawling (on all fours) like there's no tomorrow. Life may be busier but it's also more fun! As much as I would love for him to stay small forever I very much enjoy watching him learn and grow! It just amazes me!

So for now I am soaking up every day, every hour, every minute with my precious baby boy!

Helping mommy clean her closet

Fun in the playpen

Hanging out with mommy and daddy
on the front porch

He'll stand up to anything!

He sure does love his Grandpa!

Grandma has a sweet spot for him!

Getting big!

Fun with yogurt

Day 2

2010-05-13T13:11:00.002-04:00

We are on day 2 of no TV during the day. I am loving it! When we first moved into our house we didn't have cable and it was great. Then we started to feel like it might be nice to have it back and we could afford it. Now that Dan is out of work and looking for a new job money is tighter and we are way to hooked on it. So, we're thinking of canceling it again.

Yesterday I got so much done and when I crawled in to bed last night I felt like it was a good, full day. I want more days like that. Last night was a hockey game so we said no TV until 7pm.

I'm thinking of leaving Paul with Dan and going for a walk. Just me alone with my iPod. I need it.

Oh - Paul played in sand for the first time yesterday! He didn't seem to like it at first but he got used to it. Luckily there was only one handful to the mouth...I guess it's a right of passage!

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T14:40:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is my first Mother's Day. That is, my first Mother's Day with Paul outside of me. This year I get to enjoy him and cherish him. I get to hug him, snuggle him and revel in the fact that he is mine.

He is my baby boy. I carried him in my womb for nine months. I was his life line. I provided nourishment to him; warmth and security. He is the perfect mix of Dan and me.

Yesterday Dan asked me if I cared if I got any gifts for Mother's Day or is going out for dinner okay. I told him I don't need anything. I am perfectly honest, too. I know some mothers would be furious if they didn't receive flowers, a card, a gift or all three! I am just looking forward to spending the day with my two favorite guys in the whole wide world. I couldn't ask for anything better. No gift can top that!

Insert Discontented Sigh Here

2010-04-27T23:01:00.002-04:00

I'm not content right now. I'm not happy with where I am at in my life. Don't get me wrong - I am happy - I am just frustrated with myself and my lack of motivation. I feel like I have no energy. If I eat better and exercise I will have the energy to do the things I want to accomplish but, I feel like I don't have the energy to jump start myself.

I was so tired today. I didn't sleep well last night and Paul was up a couple times...I woke up just wishing I could sleep for 3 more hours! I pretty much did nothing. Honestly. The only thing I accomplished today was calling and setting up a time to see something from a Kijiji ad. Pitiful.

Does somebody want to come over here and slap me in the face? Maybe there is a weight loss group in our new church! I was part of one before at another church and I loved it - gave me so much motivation. If there isn't, maybe I can start one! Hmmm...did God just put that thought in my head? Maybe...just maybe.

On another note I might have a couple kids for daycare starting in June! The woman that cuts Dan's hair mentioned that she was moving into Kingston June 1st (she lives 25 mins away right now) and she needs daycare for her two boys who are 1 and 5! That would be perfect! Please pray about this for me because my Mat Leave is up at the end of May and we need this!

It's time for bed. Well, my book and then bed. I'm so glad I have found a way to incorporate reading back into my days - usually helps me sleep better. It's the best way to get things off your mind before falling asleep. Ah - reading! How I love thee!

Okay, seriously, time for bed.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2010-04-21T14:21:00.007-04:00

I need change in my life.

Seriously - I do.

I'm not talking little changes like "should I colour my hair?" or "let's try the bookcase over here," I mean big changes. Here are the things on my list:

1. Start running. I can't be a coward anymore. I want to do it so I just should.

2. Become a vegetarian/vegan. I may take a little longer giving up dairy, but for now I can at least cut out meat. There are some ugly truths about meat that I know yet I still continue to eat it. No more.

3. Cut out junk food. Only treat myself when I feel I truly deserve it (and that doesn't mean once a week.) I want to wait until I really, really want it and then maybe have something. It is doable.

4. Go through the boxes in the basement and only keep what we need. I can't be (too) sentimental otherwise I will get sucked into keeping too much. Not gonna happen.

5. Plan meals and stick to a grocery budget. I have done it before and I can do it again.

6. Less TV and computer and more family time. The weather is beautiful and we have a baby that is very flexible - we need to take advantage of it. Go for walks, go to the park, go for hikes - that is the reason we bought a back-pack carrier for Paul!

So, those are some of the changes I want - no, need - to make. Some of those may be small changes to others but for me they are big. I'm in need of a whole lifestyle change, really. I am also lucky to have a husband who feels the same way and is very supportive. Should I take advantage of that? Heck yes!

I don't intend to necessarily do every single thing at once, but work it all into my every day life. If I just take 10 minutes a day to do something like go through a box in the basement then that's one box taken care of. If I only check the 3 websites I usually do then close the computer and do the dishes then that is one less thing that is piled up at the end of the week! When I do senseless, mind-numbing things all day I also snack more (especially on junk) and I gain weight and don't want to get out to do things (low energy.) I need to fill my days so I'm not stuck in that vicious cycle.

I'll try and blog once a week to let you know how things are going.

The Third Day

2010-04-08T15:55:00.002-04:00

*I know it's a little late for Easter, but I wanted to share this song. I have the album "In Christ Alone: Modern Hymns of Worship" by Bethany Dillon and Matt Hammitt. On it is this song and I just love the lyrics. I always like to share a good song when I find it!*

On The Third Day

Verse 1
Creation brings an offering,
As autumn leaves turn to gold,
The trees bow down in highest praise,
Now made bare before Your throne.
The western sky an amber blaze,
At the end of the day,
For everything must die to rise again.

Verse 2
The winter’s chill, a bitter cold,
As sin and shame leave us to fall,
The clouds now full of newborn snow,
For grace to come and save us all,
Within the darkest night of man,
Was found Your saving hand,
For everything must die to rise again.

Chorus 1
On the third day, behold the King,
On the third day, death has no sting,
On the third day, we’re forgiven and reconciled.

Verse 3
The earth it groans in labor pains,
As flowers stretch to heaven above,
Your creatures sing the prophet’s song,
To be a gift of selfless love.
The sun is rising in the east,
And Your spirit is unleashed,
For everything must die to rise again.

Verse 4
And so we wait in joyful hope,
For You to come and take us home,
And so we join beneath the cross,
In suffering from whence we go.
The greatest act of sovereign grace,
In the universe displayed,
For everything must die to rise again.

Chorus 2
On the third day, the saints rejoice,
On the third day, we lift our voice,
On the third day, united and glorified.

Spring is here, the grass is riz...

2010-04-01T23:34:00.001-04:00

A House Full of Sickos

2010-03-28T21:44:00.011-04:00

This really hasn't been a fun week - at all!

It all started with Paul. He came down with a slight fever last Thursday night and was coughing more than usual throughout the day. His fever was gone within a couple hours and thankfully never returned. By Saturday, though, he was full fledged sick. He was coughing a deep, chesty cough and his nose was running a mile a minute! Our good friends Rachael and Ben came to stay for the weekend and despite Paul being sick we had a great time!

By Sunday night my throat was starting to hurt. I haven't been sick since before I was pregnant - at least a year and a half. By Tuesday I was super congested and starting to cough some. OH, and my upper jaw was killing me! Thursday I went to the doctor's and found out I have a sinus and right ear infection. Picked up antibiotics. The next morning I woke up and my left ear was hurting and completely plugged up. On top of it all I stopped being able to smell or taste anything by Monday night. Just today I was finally able to smell and taste again but it is still not completely back. It comes in waves. I'm starting to get a little better each day. My left ear is still plugged up but the antibiotics seem to be working their magic 'cause my jaw doesn't hurt as much.

Now onto Dan, he is starting to get worse! He's getting more congested and his throat is really bothering him. We've kind of crossed paths - lol! I hope that he doesn't get any worse. He doesn't seem to have an infection like I do, which is good. Paul is still congested and is coughing some but he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway so we'll see if it's something worse or if it's just end of flu stuff.

So, this past week we have done nothing. And I pretty much mean it. Rachael and Ben left us the first few seasons of The Big Bang Theory so we have been enjoying those - twice through! Poor Paul lost me as his fun mommy for two or three days while I was just miserable. I had absolutely no energy and I found it taxing just doing the normal things with Paul. Thankfully Dan wasn't as sick and was a big help those days. He also helped out with the dishes which have piled up over the week. Now it's my turn with them - whoopee! Now we just need to get back to healthy for Easter this coming weekend! We're going to my parents and I really hope that things are pretty much back to normal! I'll be praying!

To end it all, because it's been a while since I updated, I'll leave you with a few pictures!

Me and my baby boy! He's getting too big too fast!

My little goofball!

Spending time with Daddy and Grandpa Peter (Dan's Dad)

Who doesn't love a sleeping baby?

He has been sitting so well on his own!

He's also been creeping his way across the floor -
and the other day he started shuffling along on his little bum!

He loves hanging with Daddy!

My big brown eyed boy!

My favorite!

"Hi Mommy!"

A Bit of a Revelation

2010-02-26T13:04:00.004-05:00

I’m trying to find a moment with You
These days are speeding by
This ring gives me a new point of view
I’m a dealer in my time
And if I can make a confession
My time is torn between
The man who has won my affection
And the God who made me

Oh, it all looks different
But that doesn’t mean anything has changed

Still I reach for You
When I am afraid
And this breath that comes from You
Helps me say Your name

I look at the life of Anna
Your presence was her home
I look at the life of my mother
Praying on her back porch

One day very soon
Face to face
I’ll give an account of my time to You

- Bethany Dillon - "Say Your Name"

I had a bit of a revelation this morning. I was doing dishes and listening to this song. I've heard it many times but it kind of hit me - I can relate to this! I have been married for three and a half years (she was a newlywed when she wrote this song) but I still struggle between my relationship with my husband and my relationship with God.

I love the imagery of "it all looks different but, that doesn't mean anything has changed." On the outside, when getting married, life changes drastically. Suddenly I am living with this man, I am sharing a bed with him, doing his laundry, cooking his meals, buying groceries for two instead of one...all these things start the moment we say I do. We are a in a partnership for life. My attention shifts from God and me to God, my husband and me. It creates quite the triangle!

But...BUT...that doesn't mean anything has changed. Hello?! Why did I never think this way before now? I know it may seem simple but to me it kind of put things into perspective. Why should I change how I live out my relationship with God? Why do I have to choose? My husband and I are one. On the outside I have changed but on the inside I am still the me that God created. The one that still reaches for him when I am afraid and tired and lonely. I go to him when I am happy and joyful and feeling fulfilled in my life. I express my thanks and my gratitude to Him frequently. He is still my God - my Everlasting Lord. That will never change.

So on the outside my life has completely changed from what it was when I was single. I lived with my best friend, I bought groceries only for me, I cooked for myself, I only had to think about how circumstances would affect me. Now I share my life with a (wonderful) man. We have a house, we have a (beautiful) child, I cook for us, I clean for us, I grocery shop for us. The one thing that hasn't changed is my God. He is and always will be there for me.

That is such a comfort.

I Have Been Challenged

2010-02-23T23:01:00.006-05:00

So, Brandee chose me to post seven things about myself that no one knows and then I choose seven other bloggers to do the same! I don't personally know all of the bloggers on my blog roll but I will choose seven anyway.

Here goes!

1. My biggest pet peeve is ignorance. Pure ignorance in any form. It just angers me to my bones.

2. I am really bad at keeping my kitchen clean. I was before I was married and I was before I had a baby. Some weeks I'm good at keeping on top of it but most of the time it's all piled up by the weekend. Cleaning it is never as bad as I think it's going to be, though.

3. I love Autumn and Winter. I like Spring. I hate Summer. It's taken me years to realize this. Autumn has this crisp, cool breeze and produces the most beautiful colors that God has ever created. Winter brings snow - I especially like it when there is lots of it. I like being stuck inside not being able to go anywhere and my favorite is curling up in bed at night with LOADS of blankets on top...so cozy! Spring has beautiful renewal and gorgeous flowers BUT it's also soggy and muddy and just plain wet. Summer is hot...need I say more?

4. I don't want to be "the perfect mom." I just want to be the best mom for my child(ren.)

5. I am horrible at sharing my feelings. I hate it. I find it really hard a lot of times. I don't know where this came from it's just something that I've always struggled with. I usually use other outlets instead (music, poetry, etc.)

6. I used to write a lot of poetry. When I was single I kept journals a lot and I was often jotting down poetry that came to mind. Even when I was first married I would a bit but I haven't in a long time. Not that I'm not inspired I find I just haven't the time...or I don't make the time. It is something that I would love to get back into.

7. Deep down inside me I know there is a runner. I can envision myself that way and I just long to be that woman. I have a goal to be a runner in 5 years. Not necessarily a marathon runner but a casual one; for exercise. I have a lot of weight to lose first and walking is a good gateway to running so that is where I need to start.

There you have it. Some things about me that you might not have known! Here are my seven:

1. Jen
2. Lindsay
3. Kayla
4. Rachael
5. Deanna
6. Joy
7. Julie

It Has Arrived!

2010-02-20T22:36:00.004-05:00

The evil little sharp things that us humans refer to as teeth. Paul's first tooth broke through today! It's his bottom right one. He wasn't really too bad about it either. A little cranky here and there but nothing seemed to be seriously bothering him. Thank goodness! I hope all of them go this smoothly!

It's still only about half way there but it's definitely sharp and it's definitely broken through the skin! Way to go my little man!

On a totally different note, here is my weigh-in for this week...I had a bad week.

February 19, 2010 - 260

Weigh In

2010-02-13T11:46:00.002-05:00

So, the last couple weeks have been really good! I've been keeping up my excitement which has really pushed me on. I had a treat day last Sunday when Dan and I went out for a date and I had one last night while we watched the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. I have to say, though, that I have felt like crap the next morning both times. I think I over did it. My splurging will have to be more minimal from here on out.

A couple weeks ago I had kind of a splurge weekend and put back on 4 lbs (sheesh! I gain so fast!) So here is the run down:

January 28/10: 261
February 1/10: 265
February 5/10: 260
February 12/10: 258

One of Those Days

2010-01-28T21:26:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have those self deprecating days? You just tear yourself up and down? Feel sorry for yourself and all the things you think you can't accomplish?

I had one of those days.

I joined sparkpeople.com last week and I have been so excited about it! It is really easy to follow. Every day I put everything I've eaten into the Nutrition Tracker and it lets me know if I'm in my allotted range for calories, fat, carbs, and protein. When you start you make a goal for yourself (how much you want to lose in whatever length of time you want.) Mine is 50 lbs in a year.

Well, I think I need to crunch that. I've been working really hard and staying within my ranges and I'm not dropping the pounds like I thought I would. It is so deflating and disappointing when you're working so hard at something and barely seeing a difference. I haven't even been craving sweet things or even things that are bad for me but today I caved. It wasn't out of cravings but just out of feeling sorry for myself. That is worse, in my opinion. I ended up having a big cookie, mashed potatoes and ice cream with fudge sauce (not all at once...lol.) I'm not very pleased with myself.

What I have realized in all this is I think I need to shorten my goal of a year to, say, 8 months. That whay my calorie range will be less and I will definitely see a difference. I'm sick of feeling helpless in all of this and I NEED to make a change - one that lasts for life.

So here goes my first honest weigh in:
January 28/10 - 261 lbs

All Mine

2010-01-16T09:00:00.007-05:00

I get to keep him.

Forever.

Just saying.

My Little Man

2010-01-10T00:12:00.004-05:00

He is getting so big! It's not fair! After all these moments pass I realize they will never happen again. The first time he rolls over, grabs something, pulls something to his mouth, smiles, laughs, eats his first solids...these are all once in a lifetime things! I try and make sure to take time to cherish it all.

Speaking of solids, Paul had his first yesterday! He had avocado and he just loved it! He ate about 4 tablespoons. I gave him more today and he ate about half that. I was really impressed.

We've entered a whole new journey in Paul's life and I'm excited for it! I love food so much and I'm anxious to see what Paul loves. Hopefully he likes veggies as much as I do!!

So Close

2010-01-03T22:55:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have just started reading, I will let you in on a little something.

Music is my life.

I don't mean that in the way I play an instrument and it consumes my time. I mean IT IS MY LIFE. Every time I don't know what to say I use a song. If I am mad about something music calms me down. If I am sad, joyful, elated, sorrowful I can always find a song to describe my current state of being. I have been this way for a long time. Music has always reached me so deeply. I inherited this from my dad. We used to (before time got away from us and swept up our lives) sit there for 2-3 hours just sharing music. Simply sharing songs back and forth. I LOVED those times! I still make mix CD's for him and my mom just to share with them what music is touching me at a certain time in my life. My dad and I are also known for sitting in the car after we've arrived at our destination just to finish a song. Life seems incomplete unless we do - even if we've heard the song a million times.

This love for music has always spilled over into my spiritual life. That is pretty much where it started. I've always thought of my relationship with Christ to be constantly evolving and it will not stop until I am home in his presence. Just as I mature and grow as a person my spiritual growth follows the same pattern - not always at the same time, though. As of late, my relationship with Christ has fallen flat. All my fault, of course. When I left school (I went to a Bible college) I was sick of church. I was tired and jaded. I grew up in the church and when I went to school it was 4 times a week (6 during spiritual advancement week and holiness advancement week.) It was tiring. It's not that I necessarily hated church, I just grew tired of the same thing over and over. Plus, when you see all the hypocrisy and judgment you just don't want to be around those people anymore.

All that said, Dan and I have not been a part of a church for almost 3 years. I was always a part of one. In the same way that I grew tired of church I am now tired of NOT going. I am longing for it. I am nervous to find one that we both like and to get back into the pattern of going every Sunday but I know the benefits are worth it. I (we) need the socialization. I need the friendships. I need the faith community to keep me accountable not of my sins but, of my desire to grow and learn more about Christ. In the past 3 years I have been through a lot of ups and downs, including some depression. I know that is where this gradual weight gain has come from. I am eager to start to love myself again and desire to love my husband more!

To tie this all back into what I was saying at the start I have a song to share. This is one that I feel perfectly describes where I am at right now. It is by Bethany Dillon (surprise, surprise...lol) and it is so beautifully written. Maybe it won't speak to you where you are at right now but maybe it will. I am just wanting to share exactly how I feel and this is it.

So Close
by Bethany Dillon

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I was wrong, but it takes so much to say it to You
Like a broken husband and wife
Who never talk but share their nights

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I have nothing when I’m living apart from You
Outside, creation groans
To lose our darkness and be made whole

For my feet are close to slipping
Speak to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

Still, I’m so close to being so far away from You
Though I know no one on their own makes it through
My soul clings to the dust
So in Your life, let it be enough

I’m so foolish to believe that I can escape Your love
For my feet were close to slipping
You spoke to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

You’re so close when I feel far away from You

Christmas is coming

2009-12-14T23:58:00.003-05:00

And I'm not at home. I am spending the week here in Ottawa with my parents. I surprised them by coming up a day early with Paul. So we've been here since Friday night and we're staying until next Sunday. It has been great so far! I got my chocolate peanut butter balls made as well as my tuna dip! I might make some gingerbread cookies later in the week but we'll see. There are already so many snacks for Christmas.

Paul has been doing well. He came down with another infection so he's on antibiotics. He also came down with a cold Saturday night but it already seems to be gone! It's really strange and not common for a baby to have infections like this (especially a boy) so I'm guessing they are going to have to do some tests to find out what is wrong. I hope it's nothing too serious. I would hate to see him go through so much. Please pray that it's something that can be fixed easily.

Dan quit his job at the credit union so he'll have to find something soon. I'm guessing it won't be till after Christmas, realistically. I have to admit that it is kinda nice because then he can relax and we can take as many days as we want to visit and enjoy the holidays. Still, a job is nice too!

I'm semi-excited for Christmas this year. Time is just flying by so fast! I got a bunch of shopping done early and then that kind of died off so now I have to finish this week. I'm hoping that I won't have to do any once I'm home next week so I can just focus on wrapping and preparing food. We're having Dan's dad stay over for Christmas this year at our house so I want to be prepared for that. I'm saying "semi-excited" partially because I'm feeling like it is going to be busy and Paul isn't at the age yet where he understands it at all so it's not exciting that way yet. There's a part of me that feels stressed about it and the joy of it all isn't quite seeping in. I know that come Christmas Eve I'm going to be excited. I'm not looking forward to Christmas day when I have to cook a whole meal by myself (turkey and all) and then clean it all up by myself. Honestly, are Dan and Peter really going to help? Probably not. I'll see what I can discuss with Dan ahead of time...maybe I can munipulate him into helping...LOL!

Anywho, that is my update for now. I might not get a chance to post again before Christmas but, I'll try!

Photo Shoot

2009-12-06T12:27:00.005-05:00

I'm hoping to get a good camera soon but for now all I have is a regular one. We're just trying figure out finances to see what we can afford. The other day I did a mini photo shoot with Paul which ended up producing a few good photos!

Time

2009-12-03T11:33:00.004-05:00

It's funny how time slips away from you when you have a child. Every minute just gets lost. Even if they're tucked away for a three hour nap it seems to just fly by. I never get as much done as I plan and it's really frustrating sometimes! Before I know it he's awake! Or I think "I've got three hours to do this and this and this" but that's the day he decides to only sleep 1 1/2-2 hours! Argh!

Maybe I just need to become more organized. I need to plan ahead. Especially with meals. I have been terrible in that department. I used to love to have dinner ready for when Dan got home from work but I feel like I've just lost that, you know? If I plan ahead for the week maybe I can actually accomplish it, though. Paul is content enough to sit in his chair in the kitchen while I make meals. It will be really nice when I can use the high chair...it won't be long!

Speaking of, I can't believe how fast Paul is growing! He's chubbing up (although he's not a super chubby baby) and he's getting longer. It just amazes me when I look at him sometimes. It's sad sometimes thinking that he will never be this way again - this is it. Time is just stealing my baby away from me! I know he's not even four months old but that's four months of his life (and ours!)

Maybe I'm just feeling a little sentimental today...I don't know. I'm enjoying him at this age. He jabbers away and smiles a lot. He's now sleeping 9 hours at night (without a feeding in that time) so I am LOVING that! I just don't want to miss anything. I definitely know I want another one, that's for sure! Not yet, but we have plans to start trying again in about a year to a year and a half. We'll know when it's time again. Until then, I will enjoy this little bugger!

Much Needed Update

2009-11-18T11:21:00.006-05:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I've posted! I make sure to stay on top of things like Facebook and the MAMA board I am a part of but I have been slacking in the blogging department!

Things have been pretty good around here! They're about to get busy, though! This is the last weekend Dan and I will have alone until after Christmas. Next weekend my brother, Garrett, is visiting and the weekend after that my brother, Galen, is coming to stay. The next weekend is Dan's staff Christmas party (an evening with adults! yay!) and the next day Paul and I are going to stay for a week with my parents. We come back on the 20th or 21st and then the next weekend is over Christmas and we will be at my parents again! It will be a lot of fun but I'm sure it will also be quite tiring!

So, I know you're just itching for an update on Paul! Well, he's doing a lot better than he was the last time I updated. I tried to go back to full time nursing but it STILL wasn't enough for him. He was cranky most of the time and it was getting very exhausting. So we started supplementing with formula and things got a lot better. We were never able to go back to nursing full time and he is now completely on formula. Every couple days I can nurse him once for about 2 minutes! The most part is he is strong, healthy and reaching milestones.

A few weeks ago he spent two days in the hospital for a UTI (urinary tract infection.) Those were a long couple of days. I slept beside him on a cot and stayed with him all day. Dan only had to work one of the days so it was nice to have him with me the other day. Paul slept a lot and didn't eat a much so I pretty much watched TV (we don't have cable at home so it was nice to have it) or talked to the woman across from me. He is fully recovered and hasn't had any problems since! He still hasn't even gotten a cold. Dan and I got our H1N1 shots last week since Paul can't get his yet. We felt fine after, just a sore arm for a couple of days.

Paul is now 24 inches and close to 12 pounds! He's still small for his age but he is gaining and the doctor is happy with that. We had a month of weekly appointments and that was no fun but now that he's on track we don't have to go that often. He got his first set of shots last week and it wasn't too bad. He bawled while it happened but five minutes later he was asleep in the car! I didn't even cry while he got them done but it was still hard to watch. I had to give him some baby Tylenol that evening because he was SO cranky (and ONLY wanted his mommy...aww.)

We are just really enjoying him! He is smiling lots and jabbers away like crazy! He's always jumping in on conversations, especially ones that I am in. He is starting to laugh but right now only does it a couple times a day. I'm anxiously awaiting more!

Well, I should get some cleaning done before he wakes up from his nap!

Fun With Hallmark

2009-09-08T13:43:00.004-04:00

These are a couple of things that I put together with Hallmark's Smilebox. I just might end up with a lot of these! LOL!

Make a Smilebox photobook

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Slow Climb

2009-09-05T12:56:00.008-04:00

So, Paul is finally back to his birth weight! Well, he's actually a little more now. Because of his tongue tie he wasn't latching properly and wasn't getting enough to eat. Yesterday we got it snipped and already it's better! I weighed him at the doctor's yesterday and he was 8 lbs 3.5 oz! Yay! I was really happy to see that because they're supposed to gain it back by a week and a half, not 3 weeks!

It was frustrating because I was having to pump for five minutes on each side after every feed and also give him an extra ounce through a syringe (he would suck on my finger while I slowly gave him the milk or formula through the syringe.) It was very exhausting! I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore. Although today he is really hungry and I'm trying to just breastfeed him and not give him extra. I'm waiting to see how it goes. It might be a looong day...lol! But, the more I feed him the better my supply will be so I think it's a good idea.

I gave him another bath today and he HATED it! Probably because he was STILL hungry...lol! The last bath he seemed to like a lot better but today he wasn't going to be happy. No way! But I got him clean and that's what matters most! lol!

Anywho, he's finally asleep in his swing so I'm going to take the small amount of time I've got to do a few dishes!

Hanging out after a good eating.

The syringe feeding.

Wearing the hat his Uncle Blaine brought back for him.
It's a little big now but he'll grow into it!

I LOVE this one! This is after waking up in the morning.

On a walk with my little man!

Life Is Good

2009-09-01T12:04:00.006-04:00

So, life with Paul is pretty darn good! He's not too terribly fussy (only when he's really hungry...lol!) I can't imagine life without him now. Everyday I feel more and more like his mother. As he becomes more alert and is interacting more with me I am enjoying him a lot. I am anxiously awaiting his first smile. When he's falling asleep I get a lot of "sleep smiles" but no awake ones yet. I'll make sure to post a picture when I get one!

Well, I need to eat something while Paul's sleeping 'cause once he wakes up I won't get a chance! LOL! I'll continue to give you little updates when I get the chance.

Paul Is Here!!

2009-08-22T18:41:00.003-04:00

Paul Peter Stanley Wilson
08/12/09, 4:22 pm, 8 lbs 2 oz, 20 in

Well, I went in Wednesday morning to be induced. I called them at 7:30 and they said "come any time!" After we all got showered and ate and stuff we got there around 10.

I asked them if they could break my water first and see what happens with that before they start me on the pitocin. They said that breaking the water is something they always do first but for first time moms they start them on the drip right away instead of giving it time. They said they would be willing to give me an hour to walk around and stuff after breaking my water to see what happens.

They broke my water at 10:30 and I was 3 cm. I walked around for about 5 minutes and I already started having contractions. I didn't like standing through the contractions so I returned to the bed. From the very start my contractions were already coming 5 minutes apart, steadily. They were also slowly getting more painful.

They came in to check me at 11:30 and I had already gone 1 cm! I was really excited! So they said they would give me another hour and start the pitocin after that. Over the next two hours I went 2 more centimeters, on my own! By this point my contractions were coming closer together and getting a lot more painful. I made the decision to get an epidural, not because of the intensity of the pain but because they were so close together (1-2 mins apart) and I wasn't able to really get a break in between. I was 6 cm when they gave me the epidural. Also around this time I started to feel really nauseous and threw up badly. NOT fun!

Well, the epidural didn't take...at all! The contractions were getting more and more intense and really close together. I was thinking "why am I feeling everything??" They asked me if I wanted to use the laughing gas and I said "sure! Why not?!" She told me that it doesn't take away the pain but it more takes ME away from IT. Well, I really didn't care for it. I was still in pain and it only made me feel like I was hammered for a minute. I don't think I would use it again. After I got the epidural they checked me (about 45 mins) and I was 7 cm. Suddenly the contractions were less than a minute apart and I was starting to feel like I could push. 15 minutes later they checked me and all I had was just a lip of a cervix. I went from 7 to 10 in about 15 minutes!! Insane! (No wonder it was so painful! lol)

They let me start pushing at 4:08 (my mom was keeping track.) After a few pushes they realised his heart rate was dropping when I pushed. So they used the suction thing to help guide him out. The doctor said later that she only used it for about half a contraction. He came out super fast after that. He was born at 4:22. I only pushed for 14 minutes! I couldn't believe it. Within 6 hours my precious baby boy was born! I thought it was going to take a lot longer than that but maybe genetics does have something to do with it! (My mom never had a labor longer then 6 hours with 4 kids.)

All in all it was a good experience! And I never had to be induced! Looking back it wasn't that bad. I would do it again in a heartbeat!

Good News!

2009-08-10T20:40:00.004-04:00

I'm going to make this short.

I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon and I was (finally) dilated! Two centimeters; a stretchy three!! So, they went ahead and stripped my membranes. The doctor said that I will most likely go into labor tonight! If not tonight, at least by the morning.

So I will keep you updated with it all! I'm feeling quite crampy right now (which is what the doctor said would happen) and I'm having a few random contractions here and there. We'll see!!

I Am Slowly Going Crazy 1-2-3-4-5-6 SWITCH!

2009-08-08T21:01:00.003-04:00

As you can guess I am still pregnant. Although, my title is somewhat deceiving. I'm not actually going crazy. I am surprisingly calm. I guess it is because I know that no matter what happens they will induce me on either Monday or Tuesday. There is some comfort in that!

I'm really excited because my parents are coming tomorrow! I'm not sure how long my dad is staying but my mom will be here till the middle of the week next week. She wants to stay for a week after I'm home with baby (which will most likely start Wednesday.) Today I've been trying to get a lot of laundry and dishes done so I'm not leaving her a pile of things to do while she's here. It always feels good to get those things done anyway!

So I will keep you all up to date with everything. Right now I am heading to bed because I am exhausted! I might last through one page of my book tonight! LOL

Dropping

2009-08-06T14:00:00.004-04:00

I'm starting to feel cramping. It's been kind of on and off for the last couple of days. I've wondered exactly what it means (if anything) or if it's just another pregnancy symptom. I took a picture on Tuesday and I took one last night. Now I think I know why I'm cramping. He has dropped quite a bit! Exciting!! It's VERY obvious in the photos. Hopefully this is just one more step to my little boy making his way into my arms!

August 4, 2009

August 5, 2009

Update

2009-08-04T22:01:00.003-04:00

Still preggo.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I'm still closed and long. He said not to be frustrated about that because it really does mean nothing. Things could change instantly. He went ahead and had me book an ultrasound for Friday morning so they can check to make sure that the fluid levels and such are good. I also have an appointment booked for Monday. If I make it to that he will induce me that day. He said he really doesn't want to induce, but at my hospital they don't let you go past 10 days overdue.

Hopefully I'll have baby before the ultrasound. That would be GREAT!

Still Playing The Waiting Game

2009-08-03T00:12:00.003-04:00

Just a short note to let you know that I am still pregnant. I am now two days overdue. Every time I wake up in the morning I'm bummed out that my water didn't break in the night or contractions didn't start. Also, every time I go pee I push really hard to see if I can make my water break! LOL!

All of this is to no avail, though. This baby isn't coming out until he's ready. I just wish I knew when that was!!

SIGH

2009-07-31T23:44:00.005-04:00

Well, it's 40 weeks...

I guess I thought he would come earlier. It's okay, though. I think I should celebrate that I made it to the end of my gestation! It really won't be much longer. The anticipation is ROUGH, though. I wish I had someone I could go walking with or watch movies with all the time. My friends are too busy to keep me occupied all day long, every day. Plus that would make me WAY too needy! LOL

Here are my (hopefully) last pictures. I think I've dropped a little bit more:

Update

2009-07-28T11:56:00.004-04:00

Well, I made it to my doctor's appointment this morning. 39 weeks and 3 days. He checked me out and I am neither dilated or effaced. He said I am closed and long...not what I wanted to hear! He said it will still be a few days so I'll probably make it to my due date.

Although, when my mom and I first figured out my due date way back in the beginning we thought it was the fourth, then we figured it down to the first or second, possibly the third. It actually helps me relax a little bit knowing that it's most likely not going to happen until the weekend. I know things can change, but that's my feeling.

My dad's guess is the 4th...anyone else on the same page?

39 Weeks

2009-07-25T23:42:00.005-04:00

It has been less than one week since my last pictures and I'm already bigger! It's so strange! I've also noticed that he's dropped a tiny bit. That may have been a contributing factor in my painful episode the other night...he shifted and dropped a little and caused some excruciating back pain! That, thankfully, ended and I like to think that he is a little bit closer to making his entrance in this world! So, here are the pictures I took tonight!

The Girl Who Cried Baby

2009-07-24T10:24:00.003-04:00

I had a false alarm last night. Now I'm even more afraid of how painful the real thing is going to be!

Dan and I started watching a movie around 7:30. (We watched Revolutionary Road...wow! Good movie. Sad, but very well done.) About the same time my lower back started to hurt. Then it REALLY started to hurt. I tried to get comfortable every way I could. I tried putting a pillow behind my back and everything. I was also having some pain in my lower abdomen as well.

After the movie I called my mom and asked her if the baby has to drop before you start going into labor and she said "not necessarily." She suggested calling Labor and Delivery so I did and the woman said "sounds like regular end-of-pregnancy aches and pains. Even if you are in labor it's very early on." I also started to notice that I was feeling kinda nauseous and dizzy. I was having some contractions but they were very sporadic and not consistent. I would have one that lasted 30 seconds, have one 25 minutes later that would last 1 minute, then one just 3 minutes later. It would then be another 20 minutes till the next one...just totally inconsistent.

I went upstairs with the computer and posted on my MAMA board I'm a part of. I explained how I was feeling and a lot of them responded saying "try lying down or taking a bath and see if it relaxes you." So I decided to take a warm bath. It felt really nice! At this point the worst part of it all was a splitting headache. Dan went out and got me some Tylenol 'cause all I had was some ibuprofen and the woman at L&D said not to take that. That helped.

After the bath I felt just exhausted and my back was still hurting some. So I curled up in bed and hoped that either it would get worse and I could go the hospital or I would fall asleep and be able to relax. Both Dan and I were kinda hoping it would be former but unfortunately it was the latter. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. I still woke up quite a bit in the night but each time I slept longer in between and the achy feelings slowly subsided.

My mom's guess for the dizziness and headache were dehydration. Which is why I'm trying to keep on top of drinking tons of water today! It could have also contributed to the pain in my back. Hopefully next time though I'll be able to tell my birth story after a night like that!!

Originality

2009-07-23T09:29:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wish I was better with food. I can follow a recipe really well and it can turn out great! I can also make simple meals from scratch. I read all these food blogs and these people make some amazing meals that are simple! But in my mind I wonder how they got there!

Is it because they have the money for the ingredients? Can't always be because some of them use basic ingredients.

Are they more learned then me? Possibly. A couple of them are trained, so I would definitely say so.

Are they more talented then me? That must be it! Maybe it's just their natural instincts when it comes to food. It's this deep down embedded code that exists inside them; it tells them what goes good with what.

Maybe I just don't have the energy right now to try newer, elaborate meals and I want to just blame it on my "lack of talent." I can honestly blame it on my lack of money, though! LOL! And the fact that I don't live across the street from a grocery store anymore.

I think I might try and be a LITTLE more original tonight (instead of oven pizza or chicken strips.)

38 Weeks and 3 Days

2009-07-21T18:23:00.004-04:00

WOW.

My first pregnancy post was 7 weeks. People always talk about how time flies but, honestly, it really does! It seems unreal that I am so close to meeting the little guy that has been growing in me since November! He's already so special to me. I can't wait for us to give him a name and bring him home. I can't wait for Alfie to meet him and get used to him. I know he'll be protective but loving.

Things haven't been too bad at all. I probably complain more than I should. My left hip is still bothering me and I can't walk far without having contractions. I also can't walk too fast at all. I don't sleep very well at night. Mostly because my whole body is just plain uncomfortable. I also have some really weird dreams that will wake me up. Oh, and don't forget the peeing! Always the peeing! I know I've had a good sleep when I only had to wake up twice to go to the bathroom. LOL!

I had a doctor's appointment today and he said that if I make it to my next appointment then he will do an internal exam just to see what's going on. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm already a tiny bit dilated. That can usually start 2-3 weeks before baby actually comes. He hasn't dropped yet but that could happen at any time. I really would like not to have to think about another doctor's appointment but none of this is on my terms! I have to trust my body with it all.

Here are my 38 week photos (I know it's a few days after the exact week but I needed batteries for the camera.)

My How Time Flies

2009-07-03T12:43:00.003-04:00

I am so sorry that I haven't updated in awhile! Actually, it's been a long while. Life has been pretty busy around here so updating has been kind of the last thing on my mind.

First things first, there is no baby yet. We are still awaiting his triumphant arrival! And let me say, he is welcome to make his appearance ANY TIME!! I am so tired and worn out...I just want him here! Both Dan and I are excited to meet him face-to-face and just hold him. I want to pinch his little cheeks and pat his little bum. I cannot believe how close it is - just 29 days! I am feeling prepared if he were to come today. The moment I bought a pack of newborn diapers I knew I was ready. Everything else is just waiting for him! I have all these cute little outfits that I look at every day but no little boy to wear them yet! "I will be patient" is my new mantra. LOL!

Secondly, we are all moved into our house! Well, all moved in as in all the boxes are here. We have done a lot of unpacking so far and have the main rooms all set up. My mom has been a HUGE help with that! I've been able to keep on top of doing all the dishes and stuff but she really helped me with unpacking the kitchen and the dining room. She's such a blessing! I love coming down in the morning and seeing my dining room, kitchen and living room all separate from each other. And they're tidy because everything has a place! It's not all crammed into a little apartment spot. Alfie is used to the house now. He's been pretty good about it. He LOVES his back yard which I am really glad we have for him now. Our next door neighbors have a little Pomeranian and a white Lab puppy so I can't really let Alfie out when they're there because he just goes insane! If he was on the other side of the fence with them he'd be scared crazy, but since he's in his territory all he does is bark at them like a mad dog. Hopefully that will change! All-in-all, though, we are just loving the house!

Last Saturday we had the memorial service for Cathy. It was a really nice service. My dad performed it and her Aunt Barb did the eulogy. It was short but very sweet. I don't like the idea of funerals being long...that's just too painful. Plus it was pretty hot that day and I was sweating like a pig! Afterwords we all went back to Peter's place and there were refreshments and great conversation. It was great to get to know Peter's family a little better. I have known Cathy's side of the family before I even knew Dan but the last time I had seen anyone from the other side was our wedding three years ago! Later that evening we went over to the hotel they were staying at and just spent time hanging out with them. What a fun group of people! They're planning to have a Wilson family reunion every year starting next summer. I hope it happens because I would LOVE that! I've always enjoyed family reunions. They don't happen enough!

Anywho, my battery on my laptop is dying so I'm going to sign off before it ends it's life. The cord is all the way downstairs and I will gladly admit that I am too lazy to go and get it! LOL! I'll leave you with a couple of pictures from Canada Day. We spent it in Ottawa with my parents and two of my brothers and we had a GREAT time! I am calling these my 36 weeks pictures. Enjoy!

A Great Loss

2009-06-07T12:23:00.004-04:00

Dan and his mom, Cathy

Peter, Cathy, Dan and Me

Friday around 7 o'clock I got the call. The call I have been dreading since the day I married my husband. For the past 3 years every time the phone rang and it was my father-in-law I was afraid it would be "the call." His wife has passed away.

Dan's mom (Cathy) had Huntington's Disease. She started to show symptoms around 39 and for the past 14 years slowly progressed in the disease. My father-in-law (Peter) quit working about 13 years ago to be her main caregiver. He lived and breathed for her. His life revolved around her comfort and her happiness. Everything he did he thought of her first and how it would affect her. Sadly, over the years, Dan and Peter had to watch Cathy fade away from the person she used to be.

Even so, she still had quite the personality. I have only known her for about 3 1/2 years but I remember how lively she was when I first met her. She smiled, she laughed and she would turn her head towards you to listen. She couldn't talk and she couldn't make simple movements (like a gesture to shake your hand) but she was very much aware of everything that was going on. I remember one time my mom and I were looking through a photo album of Dan when he was a baby and she was just glowing! She had a huge beaming smile on her face as we showed her pictures and commented on them. That is a good memory I have of her. She used to like to watch romantic movies and she always responded to them. She liked to watch soap operas and I'm pretty sure she was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan (or so Peter says...lol!)

Over the past year, especially, she seemed to fade more quickly. She lost a lot of weight (despite eating the same amount of food) and came down with a couple lung infections. One of those was just last weekend. Peter had a couple scares with her in the last week but was able to keep her alive without having to take her all the way to emergency. She was on antibiotics and things were starting to look up. She was still having trouble swallowing but the nurse said that once she is done the antibiotics that should subside.

Friday night while Peter was feeding her he noticed her face change color. He gave her a form of the Heimlich but it didn't work. He said it all happened in about 3 minutes. She just stopped breathing. I have a feeling her heart just gave out. She was only about 50 pounds at the time of her death and I think her heart was just to weak. So, Peter called us right away and we went over. We got to spend the last couple hours with her as a family and it was so special. The grieving process is hard but so essential. I am glad I didn't go to Ottawa this weekend so I could be there for my husband and father-in-law.

We are sad that she is gone but we are thankful that she is no longer suffering. Her body is renewed and she is no longer sick. Sometimes the "healing" process comes in a form we don't like to think of: death. Life will be different and we will get used to it. It will take time but we are a family and we have each other. We also have LBW to look forward to! The day before her passing Dan and I were talking about how excited we were going to be to take LBW over to see his mom and get pictures of him on her lap. Unfortunately we won't have that now. But we have her memory and lots of stories to tell. She got to feel my stomach at a time when LBW was moving around. I'm thankful for that!

There is this song that is now reminding me of Peter and Cathy. I know how it is to love someone whole-heartedly but I do not know that feeling of losing them. So this song is dedicated to my father-in-law.

Beautiful
by Amy Grant

I'm looking for a way to feel you hold me
Feel your heartbeat just one more time
Reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine

How do you prepare
When you love someone this way
To let them go a little more each day?

The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again
'Cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days, missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you're not coming back
And in my darkest hours, I have wondered
Was it worth it for the time we had?

My thoughts get kind of scattered
But one thing I know is true
I blessed the day that I found you

The rules we stepped aside
The fear that we defied
The thrill of the ride
The fire in our hearts that burned
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again
'Cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

LBW Has Revealed Itself

2009-06-03T20:17:00.003-04:00

I had my ultrasound today! It was so exciting!! I LOVED seeing my little one all grown up since the last time. It was amazing how much it had grown! It looked a lot more human.

He is beautiful.

That's right; HE!! LBW decided that he wanted me to know what he is. Dan wasn't able to be there for the ultrasound because he had to work so I got to surprise him with it. I bought a couple boy outfits and a pair of little shoes and wrapped them up in a gift back. I wrote a card saying "To Daddy, can you figure out what I am? Love LBW." He was really excited when he opened it up! I also got him this cute little book about a little bunny and his father. We couldn't be happier! I mean, we would be just as excited if it was a girl but we are excited to know and picture (somewhat) our little baby boy!

Here are a couple pictures from the ultrasound:

My Body

2009-05-28T02:36:00.004-04:00

I am just amazed at my body right now. Things are literally constantly changing and I have no say in it. For awhile things pretty much stayed the same. For a couple months baby was growing but my system was fairly normal and I could still function just fine. Sadly, that seems to be changing.

First of all, I'm going through some insomnia phase. I hate it. I'm tired but I just can't sleep. Maybe there is a lot on my mind (work, baby, our move...) but it's not all in the forefront. A couple nights ago I woke up around 4am and was wide awake. I didn't really get back to sleep until 7ish. Last night I was awake every 45 minutes to an hour but slept really well in between. Tonight I laid down around 8, played some Yahtzee on my iPod but didn't really fall into a good sleep. I started to around 9:30 but woke up around 12 (feeling like it was more like 4) and couldn't get back to sleep. So here I am at 2:45am writing this post...sheesh! I hope this fades a little bit!

Secondly it is like attack of the heartburn right now! Maybe it's the way baby is positioned but it seems like no matter what I do or take (Gaviscon, Tums, water with lemon juice and baking soda) it never completely goes away. I'll eat fresh veggies and try to limit my starches (which gets harder and harder...lol) but it's just coming on more easily then usual.

Another thing is since baby is getting bigger it's actually starting to hurt sometimes when it moves. It'll push against my ribs or my sides and really hurt. And with it's changed position (head down) it's really changed my mobility. I'm pretty sure I'm starting to "waddle" some and if I'm on the couch and using the laptop on the coffee table (like I am now) I can't lean forward for too long. I have to take little breaks and lean back! LOL!

I'm just in awe of all the changes my body is naturally going through and how it's built to handle them. God really knew what he was doing when he created woman.

Doctor's Appointment

2009-05-26T18:10:00.000-04:00

Baby is definitely head down...and bum out! LOL! I had my appointment yesterday and all is good. Instead of my OB I had a resident. The hospital I am having my baby at is a teaching one connected with the university here in the city. She was really nice, though. When she was checking baby's position she said "yep, that definitely feels like a head down there!" I was very relieved! I figured it was because there's a lot more pressure on my ribs and lungs. And the bum has got to be forward because my stomach is kind of pointy and really hard.

I'm really excited because I get another ultrasound! I guess at my first one they noticed that the placenta was low and they just want to check and make sure that it has moved. If not then I would probably need a c-section. I really don't want that. I guess 99% of the time it moves up so I'm not too worried. Now there's just the decision of finding out the gender or not. Dan really wants to now but I'm still undecided. It's a big decision!!

One more exciting thing is I haven't gained any weight! Yay!! My weight was literally exactly the same as it was at the last appointment. At my last appointment all I had eaten was a granola bar before hand and at this one I had eaten a whole breakfast...hmmm. Either way, I am glad about that. I also had my gestational diabetes test so hopefully I won't be getting a call on that. I haven't yet!

So, my ultrasound is next Wednesday...I'll let you know what we decided to do!!

Baby Shower

2009-05-23T20:50:00.004-04:00

So, next Sunday is my baby shower with the women from work plus some others. I'm actually really excited!! Almost more excited then I was for my wedding showers. I think the reason is it's more for baby than for me. These friends of mine are willing to get together and provide my child with clothes and toys and essentials to make life better for it. I feel so blessed already and it hasn't happened yet! I'll have to show you pictures and tell you all about it after it has happened.

On another note, here is a picture of what my baby is approximately at right now:

I'm pretty sure baby is now head down because I feel a lot more pressure on my ribs. And it feels like it's probably feet and not just a head. It can be rather annoying, especially while I'm sitting down. It makes it harder to breathe...that's NEVER fun! I'm feeling more and more anxious for baby to come. Not in a bad way, just ready to be done with pregnancy. I am enjoying it but I'm just kind of tired of it right now. The last couple of days I've had 2 hour naps!! And STILL slept through the night! I am also excited just to meet this little one!

10 weeks!!!!

30 Week Pictures

2009-05-22T20:32:00.003-04:00

The other day in the grocery store I was getting my milk and a woman asked me if I was expecting. When I told her yes and that I am due August 1st she said "oh, well you're not very big!" Hahaha...I beg to differ. I feel HUGE!

Attack of the Daytime Sleepies

2009-05-21T14:29:00.005-04:00

Well, I knew it was too good to be true. For the last three weeks I have had renewed energy and have been plowing through my lists of things to be done. I have been on top of keeping my apartment clean, I've been baking, cooking, and doing all the things that good wives do. Alas, it could not last. Yesterday was the return of the "sleepies" (as I like to call them.) Dan and I spent the day together on a date which was wonderful! We went mini-golfing (I won) and we treated ourselves to yummy chip truck food. Afterwords, I felt like I was going to slip into a coma. Not from the food, but just from pure tiredness.

So, yesterday I slept till almost 10:30, took a nap between 5:45 and 8pm, and proceeded to go to bed again around 10:30 and slept all night. I have a feeling my energetic streak is gone. I really hope I don't go through this for the next 10 weeks before baby comes. That would just be terrible. I only have three more weeks of work left and I want to have enough energy for that. There's also the packing and moving...need energy for that. There is also keeping this place clean in the mean time. Sheesh. Hopefully this sleepy phase will pass...soon!

Never Been Unloved

2009-05-15T18:26:00.002-04:00

Never Been Unloved
by Michael W. Smith

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I've been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I've been unapproachable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware - I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

Doctor's Appointment

2009-05-12T23:41:00.002-04:00

A few months ago my friend Twila recommended an obstetrician for me and I told my doctor that I would like to get him if I can. Am I glad I did!! He is great! He is so personable and friendly. He got my really excited about LBW coming (not that I wasn't before) and really helped me expand my knowledge on how safe Baby would be coming at different weeks before due date.

According to the scale I have gained 5 pounds, but I don't feel like I have. That's also comparing it to the scale at my doctor's office, so who knows the difference between the two. So, if I actually have put on five pounds (which is probably mostly from my belly) than I still haven't gained any actual weight this pregnancy! That is, I haven't YET. LOL! My urine was fine and my blood pressure was fine, too! I'm so thankful that everything has gone so smoothly with my pregnancy.

That said, it hasn't been perfect. My hip was hurting before I even went to work today. It went away for a bit, but not completely. It's this constant aching in my left hip and sometimes I feel almost like I'm limping a little bit when it's really bad. Luckily my doctor was more than willing to write me a note for shortened shifts at work. They didn't seem too thrilled with it but they can deal! This is my body and my pregnancy. I care about the well-being of my baby and that includes me taking care of myself. Now I don't have to work any more than a five hour shift at once...I'm so excited for that! Today I had to work a longer one because it was already scheduled and they couldn't change it, but that's okay. I can still work just fine, but nine hours is long even with a break. My hip just isn't up for it!

So, as LBW is getting bigger and bigger I am feeling it a lot more. I mean, pretty much all the time. Just little shifts and movements. I don't think it's always awake when it moves because the majority of us move in our sleep out of the womb. I woke up this morning and looked down at my belly to see it completely lopsided! The right side was raised a lot higher and it was harder, too! Later I laid down and looked at my belly and I could tell there was an arm or a leg sticking out because there was a little peak of sorts in the middle of my belly. How cool is that?

How long till LBW is here?

2009-05-09T19:32:00.004-04:00

So, I'm kind of sad that this Wednesday is my last prenatal class. I've actually been enjoying them! I haven't really struck up any friendships but it's been neat to see all these women grow over the last 5 weeks! And I'm so excited for all of them. For two of the women it is their second child, but for me and three others it is our first. I've learned a lot, too. I'll probably never see them again but I wish them all the best!

My hip is starting to bug me more and more each day. At the end of the day it is just killing me! I could barely walk straight last night. I was trying to do some dishes but every time I moved it hurt so Dan told me to stop and just relax. I really hope it doesn't get too bad. I'm worried it might. I only have 34 days of work left...that's all I need to get through. It might be tough, but I can do it! I have my first appointment with my obstetrician on Monday and I'm going to see if he can write me a note so I don't have to work any longer than 5 hours and to get a small break within that for rest. These 8-9 hour shifts are just aggravating my back and hip. And I'm super tired half way through. I like to think that I'm a pretty positive person despite, though. I hope the doctor will help me out!

I'll give you an update after my appointment!

27 Weeks...er...28 Weeks

2009-05-06T15:05:00.002-04:00

The ticker says 27 weeks and 4 days, but I like to say that I'm in my 28th week (which I am.) So I am considering these my 28 week photos. Enjoy!

Side View

Semi-Front View

My Life In Words

Time Off

6 Months Ago

TWO!

Our Song

Melancholy

Guesting

DAY THIRTY - YOUR FAVORITE SONG AT THIS TIME LAST YEAR

DAY TWENTY NINE - A SONG FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD

DAY TWENTY EIGHT - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY

DAY TWENTY SEVEN - A SONG YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY

DAY TWENTY SIX - A SONG THAT YOU CAN PLAY ON AN INSTRUMENT

DAY TWENTY FIVE - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

DAY TWENTY FOUR - A SONG THAT YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL

DAY TWENTY THREE - A SONG THAT YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR WEDDING

DAY TWENTY TWO - A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE SAD

DAY TWENTY ONE - A SONG YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY

DAY TWENTY - A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY

DAY NINETEEN - A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE ALBUM

DAY EIGHTEEN - A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU HEARD ON THE RADIO

DAY SEVENTEEN - A SONG THAT YOU HEAR OFTEN ON THE RADIO

DAY SIXTEEN - A SONG YOU USED TO LOVE BUT NOW HATE

DAY FIFTEEN - A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU

DAY FOURTEEN - A SONG THAT NO ONE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO LOVE

DAY THIRTEEN - A SONG THAT IS A GUILTY PLEASURE

DAY TWELVE - A SONG FROM A BAND YOU HATE

DAY ELEVEN - A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE BAND

DAY TEN - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FALL ASLEEP

DAY NINE - A SONG THAT YOU CAN DANCE TO

DAY EIGHT - A SONG THAT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

DAY SEVEN - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A CERTAIN EVENT

DAY SIX - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEWHERE

DAY FIVE - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEONE

DAY FOUR - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU SAD

DAY THREE - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY

DAY TWO - YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SONG

Day One - Your Favorite Song

Transformation and Renewal

Inklings

I Will Carry You

Anxiety

A Little Bit of Anger

God's Plan vs Our Plan

Nostalgia and Hormones

Yup...I done it again!

Happy New Year!

Hustle and Bustle

A Child's Christmas in Wales

Mourning the Lost

My Baby Boy is ONE!

Changes

Update

Starting to Make Some Sense

Long Time No Talk

Growing Up

Day 2

Mother's Day

*Insert Discontented Sigh Here*

And Now For Something Completely Different

The Third Day

Spring is here, the grass is riz...

A House Full of Sickos

A Bit of a Revelation

I Have Been Challenged

It Has Arrived!

Weigh In

One of Those Days

All Mine

My Little Man

So Close

Christmas is coming

Photo Shoot

Time

Much Needed Update

Fun With Hallmark

Slow Climb

Life Is Good

Paul Is Here!!

Good News!

I Am Slowly Going Crazy 1-2-3-4-5-6 SWITCH!

Insert Discontented Sigh Here

SIGH